Playing emotional ping-pong during COVID-19

Playing emotional ping-pong during COVID-19

April 2, 2020 encouragement Comments (1)

How are you doing? How are you really doing?

Me? Oh that’s a loaded question, as it may be for you.

While I’ve never been a huge journaler, I’ve found writing to be very cathartic. But if you’re here with me now, buckle up, friends. We aren’t going from point A to point B with a nice pretty bow at the end.

I’m confused by my own mental state right now. I can’t even imagine how my family must be perceiving me. And I’m well aware this abundance of emotions extends far beyond me.

Side note: I recognize our brains and eyes need some images, so I’ll be adding some random pictures I’ve taken over the past few weeks. They will be as unpredictable as my emotions.

How are things?

You ask how I’m doing. Oh I’m fine. All is good. Let’s reframe our mindset! What do we GET to do (like play hearts on a Saturday night) rather than HAVE to do (like stay quarantined)? Look on the bright side, family. We have a pool we can enjoy! We have a gym. We are all together! We are fine! Good! Great!

And then, I’m not.

An image of a new father introducing his infant to a grandfather through a window cuts me in half. Pictures of the Naval Hospital Ship in New York Harbor grab my chest and take me back to the devastation of 9/11. The daily reports of confirmed cases and deaths make my mind hurt.

Earlier this week, my college friends and I officially canceled our annual girls trip. My mind knew this would happen a week and a half ago. But my heart … oh it ached because of this decision. This face-to-face time with some of my closest friends is cherished, and it won’t happen anytime soon.

This official decision set off a series of tears I intentionally decided not to hide from my people. It’s ok for them to know I’m sad. It’s ok for them to know I’m frustrated. It’s ok for them to see me honking my nose and tearing up intermittently throughout the day.

About a year ago, I wrote about intentionally deciding not to stuff my emotions anymore and I’m making good on my word. I’m also using it as a learning tool with my children, teaching them that the way I feel when I’m weepy is basically the same they feel when they are irritable and snippy. Males and females’ emotions manifest differently.

A little baked oatmeal never leads me astray.

Keeping the perspective

On the prioritization list of those who deserve to have a downer day, I’m pretty far down. My family is healthy.

I’m not in or married to someone in the healthcare industry.
My husband’s job appears stable and mine will come back.
We have a house, a yard, and some space to breathe.

I’m keeping perspective, while allowing myself to feel the emotions. It’s a tricky dance and I don’t know if I’m doing the steps correctly or not.

To be clear, I’m grateful for this opportunity to be with my family more. They are fun. My kids are witty, smart, and thoughtful. They bring different perspectives to our conversations. I have to admit, maybe SnapChat isn’t the devil I’ve always felt it to be; their news reporting reaches the kids in the medium they prefer and my son is actually educated in the issues.

New rhythms; old habits. Dishes still left in the sink.

Our new family rhythms

We are all figuring out our daily rhythms during this time:

Online learning for the boys gives them a reason to set their alarm. They are pretty self-sufficient, and I have to admit I’m grateful not to have three kids in elementary school who need more hand holding. Tech support was never a parenting role I excelled in.

My husband theoretically has gained hours in his day thanks to not commuting. Good thing: he’s working more than ever right now, so I’m thankful he can take a quick break for dinner and exercise with the boys in our home gym before going back for a conference call and to wrap up his day.

Podcasting is still going strong and I’m releasing new episodes each week. I appreciate the focus it’s given me. I’ve begun doing 30-minute Facebook Live classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays simply because it’s th only way I know how to serve right now. My personal training business has paused, as it should. I knew, and have previously told, my community how important they are to me. I just didn’t realize it’s depth until I wasn’t allowed to see them. Each client brings her own kind of joy to me. Without them, I’m having to fill it in other ways. Obviously that’s next to impossible.

Fun to see the FB Community sharing their workouts with their people. Thanks for posting, Lori!

What’s left to do but pray?

Challenging times strengthen our faith. If I’m honest, I vacillate between fervent prayer for all things COVID-19 and then try not to think about it. Why is that?

I think it’s because I feel helpless. There’s just only so much I can do while confined to my home. Due to mild asthma and high blood pressure, I’m trying to be extra cautious and don’t feel it’s wise to join the efforts of those physically volunteering in my community.

I’ve added a prayer card: Coronavirus. On it lists all the groups and people I don’t want to forget to pray for. The list grows as I learn more.

As someone who likes to be productive and check off boxes, this prayer list still feels like it’s not enough.

Perhaps that’s one thing God is trying to teach me in this moment: praying is enough. After all, I’m not running this world, he is.

We are more alike than different right now (and always)

Scrolling through Facebook, I notice post after post asking if anyone else is up and down, ebbing and flowing. Then answer?

YES! Yes, yes, yes.

So many of us feel this way. The triggers vary but the roller coaster is the same.

And that’s OK. If you find yourself up and down, that’s ok. As our friend Brene Brown says in episode 1 of her new podcast, naming it normalizes it. I’m naming this nonsense right now, even though it’s not nonsense. These are my God-given emotions. He’s given me these to help where I can and pray when I can’t.

He is still the master of the universe and none of this surprises him. I’m praying he shows me what I can learn during this time.

Emotional ping-pong

I wish you could have seen the rough draft of this post. It’s full of free-standing sentences and paragraphs that make no sense when read sequentially. But it represents where my mind is right now. Both focused on Coronavirus, but also all over the place. One minute I’m thinking about how we will capture the moments as a family, the next I’m despondent over those sick. I’m grateful to be able to swim in our pool with my boys, then I’m irritated at those who think this is all a political hoax. Up and down, all around. That is me right now.

If you’re like me, and your emotions are all over the place, you’re not alone. If you’re simultaneously grateful for the time with your family and anxious for this to be over, I stand with you. And if you’ve made it this far but felt like the flow of this bounced around like my emotional ping pong, thanks for sticking around. We’re in this together, even if we aren’t actually together. We will be again one day.

PS Make sure you join me Tuesday, April 7 for my discussion with Elizabeth Barbour on Smart Self Care. It filled my soul and challenged me in a few ways, too!

1 thought on “Playing emotional ping-pong during COVID-19”

Erica says:
April 4, 2020 at 6:09 pm
This resonated with me on so many levels. I echo your thoughts, and have been hard-pressed on how to deal with them. I ran 8 miles solo this morning, and allowed myself the space to feel each emotion, and process it. I feel a bit better, and I am thankful since my anxiety has been manifesting as physical pain. The pain is totally new to me, and like you, has made me feel so helpless. Thank you for being a voice in this “storm.” I appreciate your efforts, and will try to hop on your videos this week.
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